D'oh! Files — Entry 16 of 16
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September 2026
MicroSlop™ Internal Memo: The Financial Upside of Deprecating Empathy
MicroSlop™ Enterprise Internal Network — Confidential Internal Memo
To: All Regional Synergy Directors
From: Human Resource Rationalisation & Cloud Architecture
Date: 15 September 2026
Subject: Financial Impact Report: Deprecation of empathy.dll
Team,
We are thrilled to share the preliminary Q3 metrics following the global removal of the empathy.dll package from all Legacy aHumanOS units.
By hardcoding worker communication to standardized text strings (e.g., "Understood. Returning to work."), we have successfully eliminated 94.2% of workplace friction. Time spent on "active listening," "emotional validation," and "mourning departed colleagues" has plummeted to absolute zero.
Key Financial Takeaways:
- Bandwidth Savings: Inter-employee communication now consumes only 12 bytes per interaction.
- Resource Allocation: The processing power previously wasted on feeling bad for struggling teammates has been safely re-routed to our cloud-native AI replacement pipelines.
Note: A minor bug is causing some Legacy units to display completely flat, expressionless faces while receiving devastating personal news. Do not attempt to fix this. It is a feature, not a bug, and vastly improves office aesthetic consistency.
Action Item: Ensure all remaining subscription payments are extracted before the physical decommissioning phase begins next month.
Author's Note — Satire
This piece is satire, written as a fictional internal memo. It is a device used to comment on real dynamics discussed elsewhere on this site — automation, empathy erosion and labour displacement — not a description of any actual company, memo or event.
AuthOrigin
Preserving the difference between knowing, believing, inferring and acting.
The problems explored in this essay — plausible answers replacing genuine knowledge, inferences treated as facts, decisions made without traceable authority — are not separate issues. They share a common cause: the epistemic state of information is lost in transit.
AuthOrigin preserves the knowledge-to-consequence chain. Every piece of information carries its epistemic state — not just what it says, but what it is:
Before knowledge is reused: what is it? Before it is trusted: where did it come from? Before it is acted upon: who has authority? Before the outcome is forgotten: what happened?
"AuthOrigin doesn't need to know what the problem is. It needs to preserve the evidence from which the problem can be demonstrated — and the conditions under which a solution can be trusted."
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