There's a Guy Down the Chip Shop Thinks He's Elvis

The GatesGate Musical

There's a guy down the chip shop thinks he's Elvis.

His name is Jensen.

Nobody has the heart to tell him otherwise.

He wears a black leather jacket, sells the most expensive chips anybody has ever seen and assures everyone that if we just keep buying enough of them, something extraordinary will eventually happen.

Dave has Suspicious Minds.

"Why do we need all these chips?"

Jensen smiles.

"Because everybody wants them."

"Why?"

"Because everybody needs (ai)."

"Why?"

"Because everybody's buying chips."

Dave stares at him.

This conversation is already All Shook Up.

It's Now or Never

Sam arrives carrying an enormous bottle of vinegar.

"Good news. AGI could be closer than you think."

"When?"

"It's Now or Never."

"Which one?"

"Potentially both."

Jensen immediately orders another million chips.

Dave looks at Sam.

"Will another million chips actually produce AGI?"

Sam pours on more vinegar.

"Scaling."

Dave writes CUP 1 in his notebook.

Love Me Tender

The banks arrive.

They absolutely Love Me Tender.

Corporate bonds. Private credit. Infrastructure funds. SPVs. Lease commitments.

Everyone wants a piece of Jensen's new fryer.

"What's the return?" asks Dave.

"Growth."

"What's producing the growth?"

"Demand for chips."

"What's producing demand for chips?"

"Investment in (ai)."

"And what's paying for the investment?"

The banker looks uncomfortable.

"Would you like to see our next slide?"

Dave writes CUP 2.

Teddy Bear

Government arrives.

It wants to be Jensen's Teddy Bear.

Planning permission?

Certainly.

Grid connections?

We'll see what we can do.

Infrastructure?

Strategically important.

Investment incentives?

This is the future, Dave.

"Do we own any of it?" asks Dave.

Government pats him gently on the head.

"Don't Be Cruel, Dave. This is inward investment."

Dave writes CUP 3: OWNERSHIP.

Viva Las Vegas

Then the capital markets discover (ai).

Nobody can quite calculate what AGI will be worth, which turns out to be extremely convenient because it means it could be worth anything.

Welcome to Viva Las Vegas.

Chips!

Models!

Agents!

Datacentres!

Power stations!

More chips!

Bigger models!

Bigger datacentres!

More power!

Jensen Presley is now standing on the counter in his leather jacket.

"MORE CHIPS!"

The crowd goes wild.

Dave raises his hand.

"Does it have to be (ai)?"

Security removes him.

Hound Dog

Unfortunately Dave is persistent.

He keeps sniffing around the business case like a Hound Dog.

"What does this process actually cost today?"

"How much does (ai) save?"

"Who verifies the output?"

"What happens when it's wrong?"

"What institutional knowledge disappears?"

"Where does the computational rent go?"

"What happens to the customer when you remove their salary?"

Management holds an emergency meeting.

"We have a Dave problem."

Return to Sender

Meanwhile the invoices begin arriving.

Cloud consumption.

Tokens.

Licences.

Compute.

Consultants.

Integration.

Verification.

Cybersecurity.

Governance.

Remediation.

Another model upgrade.

Dave stamps the business case:

Return to Sender

Reason: CONSEQUENTIAL VALUE NOT FOUND.

Management is furious.

Burning Love

Over at Jensen's, things couldn't be better.

The fryers are running twenty-four hours a day.

The chips are experiencing Burning Love.

Smoke pours from the roof.

Uncle Bill looks upwards.

"Excellent."

Dave looks upwards.

"Fire?"

Bill shakes his head.

"Cloud."

Great Brittin immediately asks whether Britain can have a sovereign one.

Heartbreak Hotel

Then somebody notices the queue outside Jensen's chip shop has disappeared.

"Where's Dave?" asks Jensen.

"Automated."

"And Sarah?"

"Automated."

"Accountants?"

"Agents."

"Programmers?"

"Agents."

"Customer service?"

"Agents."

"Marketing?"

"Agents."

Jensen looks at the empty shop.

"Who's buying the chips?"

Nobody answers.

Welcome to the Heartbreak Hotel.

Rooms available.

No customers.

Exceptional productivity.

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

Friday night.

The high street is empty.

The pub has closed.

The bank branch has gone.

The office is dark.

Andy Burn-'em hasn't got anything left to burn.

Jensen Presley stands behind three trillion dollars' worth of chips.

Uncle Bill has the world's largest cloud.

Sam has achieved unprecedented vinegar scaling.

Great Brittin has successfully transformed everything.

Donald has secured the American stack.

JD has been paid Ad Vance.

Google Maps announces:

"You have arrived at your destination."

Dave looks around.

"Where is everybody?"

The speaker starts playing:

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

Can't Help Falling in Love

The problem was that everyone had Can't Help Falling in Love with the same equation:

fewer people = lower costs = greater productivity.

The insurance company removed Dave.

The BBC removed Dave.

The bank removed Dave.

The retailer removed Dave.

The chip shop removed Dave.

Every organisation individually improved its spreadsheet.

Nobody noticed that every company's employee was another company's customer.

They had optimised the economy until nobody could afford to participate in it.

Always on My Mind

Only then did everybody remember Dave.

His salary.

His tax.

His mortgage.

His pension.

His pint.

His Friday-night chips.

His institutional knowledge.

His irritating questions.

His ability to notice when something technically correct was completely bloody stupid.

Dave had been Always on My Mind.

Unfortunately he'd never been on the productivity spreadsheet.

Jailhouse Rock

Parliament launches an inquiry.

"How did this happen?"

Technology blames government.

Government blames business.

Business blames consultants.

Consultants produce a 900-page report generated by (ai).

Nobody reads it.

The regulators promise tougher rules.

The hyperscalers hire the regulators.

The regulators hire consultants.

The consultants buy more (ai).

Jensen sells more chips.

Jailhouse Rock.

Dave watches through the window.

"Still nobody checked under the cup."

Don't Be Cruel

Eventually Great Brittin finds Dave sitting outside the abandoned chip shop.

"Dave, perhaps we were a little hasty."

"A little?"

"We'd like you back."

"Why?"

"We've got 1,000 (ai) agents producing 400,000 decisions a day."

"Excellent."

"We don't know which ones are right."

Dave smiles.

"That's unfortunate."

"Could you check them?"

"All of them?"

"Yes."

"When?"

"Tomorrow."

Dave picks up his coat.

"Don't Be Cruel."

Great Brittin looks desperate.

"What do we do?"

Dave walks over to the table.

There are 1,000 cups.

Somewhere underneath them is a tiny ball marked:

REALITY

Dave looks at Jensen.

Then Sam.

Then Bill.

Then Donald.

Then Great Brittin.

Then the bankers.

Then the consultants.

And finally at the enormous smoking datacentre on the horizon.

"Right," says Dave.

"Before we start…"

Everyone leans forward.

Dave asks:

"DOES IT HAVE TO BE (ai)?"

Silence.

Jensen Presley slowly removes his sunglasses.